Lent

About a year ago, I began the process of falling in love with Jesus all over again for the first time. I say it that way because while this love has a depth, a “what can I do for you?” attitude that usually only comes with maturity, it also has a “head over heels” freshness that more often characterizes love’s first blush.

In my previous 30+ years of Christianity I’ve always struggled to be consistent in bible study and prayer. But now, in this new/old, happy/sad love, more often than not, I struggle to stop, stop reading, stop praying, stop the quiet listening and get on with the day, the actions, the stuff, the feeding of children (what? You’re eating again …).

I finally understand how to love God first, more than my husband, more than my children. I remember saying to someone in the early days of this transformation (for that is what it has been/is being) “I could so become a nun right now …”

But I can’t.

What does any of this have to do with Lent?

It’s like this: In my last post I talked about fasting in a radical way. I was planning to go on a complete food fast for however many days I felt led by the Holy Spirit. But that hasn’t happened. I discovered that it’s hard to fast when you’re the mom, partly because approximately 78% of my waking hours are spent preparing food for my children to eat, but also because I live here, with these people, and one of the things that is really important in the dynamics of this family is the sitting down together at the dinner table.

And I began to struggle with that choice. Because I want to go all out for my Father. I want to gladly “spend myself” for the sake of the gospel. I want to give more and more and more. But my interests are divided. I am glad of the blessing of my family and I don’t love them grudgingly, but I struggle to find a balance between sold out for Jesus and the mom/wife thing (I realize even as I type it that it is an artificial delineation of my own invention).

I’ve struggled with this tension a bit this week. Am I doing the right thing? Am I pleasing God? And then I realized that offering myself to God is done in the grace in which I now stand. There is no value in agonizing over the details. God is only interested in my heart. He is interested in my offering because it represents my heart. He is interested in my fast because it changes my heart.

And I’ve come to recognize that for me and my family, at this time, this is the right thing.

And I’m recognizing that, for myself, in order to walk in the grace, I need to learn to let go of forms and structures to find balance. I need to stop going to meetings and just meet. I need to let go of ministries and minister. And I need to remember that part of whom I meet with and minister to are those inconvenient, but oh, so lovable people that live in my house (and eat nearly constantly).

Romans 5:1&2
Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God.