Clarity
Today is supposed to be a day of great clarity. By this morning we were supposed to know who THE candidates for president are. We were supposed to have decided who the best football team ever is. We were supposed to know just how spiritual we are.
It’s Ash Wednesday, and historically, those who have ash on their heads know that they are God’s servants in the face of ridicule, and those who don’t have ash on their heads know that they are God’s servants in the face of centuries of confusion.
As usual, however, what is running through my head this morning is a significant lack of clarity in the face of all of the tendency toward confusion. While candidates were talking to their supporters, tornadoes were killing at least 27 people. All the money spent on the campaigning would go far to help the people who are dealing with destruction and pain, but the money can’t bring back lives.
I’m supposed to know the answers spiritually, and yet I am struggling as I walk into this season with the seven other people who are committed to write this blog. Do I give somethign up or do I commit to something? How do I quiet the conflicting voices in my head and heart as I balance theological constructs with the time that says I need to finish this post and get our daughter to school and get to walking and to working and to leading and to serving?
Ah, but perhaps the clarity of the lenten season the clarity that comes from saying, “I give up.”
Lord? I, as you know, struggle mightily with needing to know the answers. I feel the need to know what to tell people and how to tell people and when to tell people. I am in a constant struggle to know how to do everything in the hope that somewhere I’m doing what you want. And so, in this moment, I acknowledge that I don’t know what you want next. I just know that now, You want my attention. And so, I think I’m giving up trying to hear so I can listen.
And Lord? Help those families.
Jon-
One has to wonder how you found your way inside of my head and heart this morning.
As I drove out of my driveway, I was beating myself up for not having ‘figured out’ what Lent was supposed to be about for me this year. I was kicking myself for not understanding what it was, giving up or doing, that I needed to do to become closer to God. I was frustrated as I tried to coordinate in my mind how I would make it to mass today. I even made a ham sandwich for lunch…I’ll save it for tomorrow.
So, I enter this Lenten season more unsure than ever before because I am without my usual ‘plan’ to do my ‘list’ of things that somehow make me feel better for having done them.
The result of all this, is that I am left wondering about this season, its purpose and what I am called to….give up or do as well. I thought about those 27 people as I continued my drive, wondered about fair warning and pray for their families.
As I settle in to my work day, my first day in my office in a week, I get to see and be with those whom I serve, children and families and staff who do far more difficult jobs than I. It is welcome after being away.
Thanks for reminding me that perhaps this season doesn’t begin with clarity and surety about what or how to do or give up. I needed that today.
Rob
February 6, 2008 at 2:42 pm
[...] For the rest of that post and to read more about what we are doing for Lent, head over to lent2008.wordpress.com. [...]
On fog and clarity and lent « Levite Chronicles
February 6, 2008 at 3:28 pm
All I can say is “Amen”. Well, actually, I can say just a little more…
I’m unlike Rob in that I’ve never had a “usual plan” for the observance of Lent. This is new to me. I, too, have been asking God what these next six weeks should/will look like in my life, wanting Him to take the reigns in this special excursion included in the life tour. (Ooh, sorry–that makes it sound like we’re traveling on horseback…) And, I have been totally unsure what God was wanting me to do in these weeks of focus.
I read Laurie’s xanga post last night and it really ministered to me and provided at least a partial answer to what I’ve been praying. Even more than that, it ratcheted up my realization that this Lenten blog is not just a seasonal writing exercise. It is an exploration of a trip we’re on together, a place where we will ask the questions, share the challenges, confess the wrongheadednesses or struggles, ask for the helping hands and hearts of one another..and of the company of pilgrims that join in the sojourn.
Now I think I’m beginning to get it…and I’m very glad to be traveling this way
amyvanhuisen
February 6, 2008 at 3:29 pm
Amy and Rob, you are showing the challenge of committing to express your heart while on a journey. I’m guessing that it will be more challenging than I thought. And more clarifying than I imagined.
Jon Swanson
February 6, 2008 at 10:06 pm